If I don’t get ordained as a priest and install a mirror in my confessional I’ll never forgive myself.
Get Daft Punk to make a comeback for the finale then they fly up the Eiffel Tower and one of them takes their helmet off and it’s Celine Dion and the other one takes their helmet off and it’s also Celine Dion
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age
I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree