Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.
told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving
as you get older nothing loses its sting more than an authority figure saying they are disappointed in you. like I don’t know what to tell you, Darryl, we can’t both live in the prison of your expectations
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
one of the dumbest varieties of video you see on social media is the whole “this guy built a complete pub/bar/etc in his home!” thing. a bar is a place you go to that has other people. dress it up however you want you’re still drinking alone in your basement, man
first caveman to see fire: well this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and i predict that’s the last i’ll ever see of that
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.