I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
remember: when a band skips your city on tour it is always personal and they always hate you specifically
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
Sheep to the left of me. Cows to the right. Here I am. Stuck on a bus with a view.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
If someone from ziplock could contact Literally anyone in the cereal Business that would be great…
My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)
The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
[bedtime]
daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping
me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first
daughter: …
me: night, sweetheart
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
most of being a woman is just removing exclamation points from emails before you send them