Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
rest in peas
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??