mandolin: finally a violin for men
Vote for me Iâll cut the alphabet in half
Me: Iâm proud of you for completing your project and Iâm sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.
10: Donât worry girlie when Iâm a mom Iâm gonna do the same thing.
I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.
I donât work at a library. I donât know what heâs talking about.
I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume đ„
[ 35 years later ]
*sits bolt upright*
OMG SHE WAS FLIRTING WITH ME !
sometimes we need to be reminded
surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, âthe one who doesnât order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,â & his bros were all, like, âno waaay, we wouldnât do that,â & judas was, like, âiâm sooo sick of fish tacos.â
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. iâd be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
Me: Donât be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January
Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?
me: i had an accident
insurance agent: sir, we donât insure pants