My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
learning about math 🧐 📝
Good lord
A little boy just said thank you after taking a sweet and then wished me a very enthusiastic merry Christmas
KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me
big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings
About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it
Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”
having a job is cool but everydayyy???