My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.
An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
Mine in the November 4, 2024 issue of The New Yorker
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
I love this❤️😁👍
