If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…
Well, toucan play at that game.
Two words have helped me open a lot of doors in my life. Push and Pull.
“This cashier is a dipshit.”
– Me at self checkout
When you in the top 0.001% of listeners you should be able to go to the artist house
The only problem I have with chocolate is that one minute it’s there and the next it’s not.
A friend’s old roommate handmade guitars from Canadian maple with hand cut mother of pearl inlays. He showed me several works in progress and how many hours it took for each step. Truly a labor of love. I learned that day that if you follow your passion, you can bore anyone.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
A social media post so confusing you turn your music down to read it.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
These are dark times.
~me, everyday at 4pm
School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.
Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
What do you call a bunch of cucumbers in a row?
“Queuecumbers”.
A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead
to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt