There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
Not to brag but I clean my house once a year whether it needs it or not.
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
*files a restraining order against reality*
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.