No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
me [stands up]:
my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
