If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)