dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it
Cashier: *repeatedly scanning item without price coming up
Me: *sweating
(internally) don’t say it, don’t say it…MUST BE FREE!
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
All cookie dough is edible if you believe in yourself
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons