Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
One of my sons wants to become a historian and the other wants to become an artist so I guess I want to become a lottery winner
Summer Olympics is just me swimming in sweat and wrestling with my sports bra
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
when you let your kid brother name your custom player
Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”
I’m not defending anyone, I’m just saying I’ve seen some sexy couches.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
On this day in 1917, Canada introduced its first income tax as a “temporary measure.” So that fun little experiment should be wrapping up aaaany day now.
rest in peas
