rest in peas
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
In the original ancient Greek Olympic games, many of the athletes competed naked. It made the trampoline a lot of fun, the men’s hurdles not so much.
A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.
I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices lately. He told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.
Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.