you’ll be having a good day and then someone your age says they’re buying a house
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Dentist: “That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen. That’s the biggest cavity I’ve ever seen.”
Patient: “I heard you the first time. You didn’t have to say it twice.”
Dentist: “I didn’t. That was my echo.”
I don’t know how to mop my kitchen floor without pretending l’m cleaning up a gruesome crime scene.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
swamp ghosts tricked me into revealing the location of my waffle stash, again
If I win the lottery I’m buying four politicians and some really nice shoes.
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Ancient curse, may you sit on a cushioned chair on the deck without checking first to see if it has dried from last night’s rain.