One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying
“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”
why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.