I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔
My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready
My card got declined at the barbershop so they put all the hair in my mouth and squeezed me until it came out of my head
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
I saw a woman dressed like this today and I knew I had to draw her
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
why’d they call it a fly swatter and not a splatula
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
