My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I think this might be relevant today.
Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
What do you call it when one banana eats another?
Cannibananabalism.
I am so glad everything is broken at work today so I could make this
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you