It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville
Babysitter: ooh! Got yer nose.
Voldemort: not cool
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test