sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I asked my grandma if she had a hard time moving to nyc from Poland as a teen & going to hs in bk knowing 0 English, & if ppl didn’t wanna be friends w her, etc. & she held my shoulder & looked me in the eyes & said, Austyn. I was gorgeous. Everyone wanted to be my friend
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.
Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.
washing mushrooms is the quickest way to figure out exactly how much dirt you’re okay with eating
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently, and I’ve decided that I really don’t want to do that any more.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.
“wow i haven’t had anything to eat today” – me right before i remember that i had the lumberjack special for breakfast and placed a respectable 2nd in a spontaneous yet nationally recognized ribs eating contest