Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
*jumps into an open grave to avoid small talk at a funeral*
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
This was only “the biggest IT outage ever” if you exclude the period from 13.7 billion BC to the mid 20th century
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.
Hahaha
I mean…it’s true!
#facts
#tattoo #tattoos #employability #funny #bananabeltbetty
Waiting at the barber shop to get my 9yo a haircut and he points to the balding guy in front of us and says “well he shouldn’t take too long.”
I think this might be relevant today.
