hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up