My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?