I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
Alexa! How many calories does wrapping presents burn?
– me through a mouthful of chocolates that were supposed to be a gift
I wrote a book on penguins.
Honestly, it would have been much easier if I wrote it on paper.
Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
Going to the gym “naked” means without wearing headphones. I know this now.
Son: moms and aunts are sisters, right?
Me: Yes
S: Then why do aunts show up with Lego sets, cookie cake and Roblox gift cards, and moms just cook healthy meals and say no?
“Send dunes!”
– some dyslexic guy
Sorry I’m late. My catapult malfunctioned.
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
Joker: wait, you take photos of yourself and sell them to the paper where you work, to your boss who hates you?
Spider-Man: yea.
Joker: lol
Spider-Man: lmao
Joker: LMAO
Today, a coworker was tellin’ me about her son. Last week, he got caught skippin’ school. And his punishment? A week’s suspension!🤔🤣