There’s always a random piece of broccoli in my Chinese takeout. I want to call them like “who put you up to this? My mom?”
I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.
“you gotta put yourself out there” I declare confidently as I remove my pants on the bus
I feel so discombobulated when supermarkets switch up the aisles without texting me first.
“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
“Hey, how’s it been out here this morning?” “We just had a patron who asked to be taken to the section where we keep all the books about anvils.” “Were they by any chance a coyote?”
My 7yo casually told me he added a parachute to my Amazon cart that needed to be purchased soon with no additional explanation.
Friend: What’s the consequence for bigamy? Me: You have to visit TWO sets of inlaws over the holidays
GPS randomly stopped working on my phone this morning. Have accepted that I live here now. In the woods. Two blocks from home.
Me: Wouldn’t adding coins make it harder to whistle? Them: That’s not what “pursing your lips” means.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”
Them: why are you wearing fashion magazines?
Me: they’re articles of clothing