Just opened 3 birthday cards and so far I have 80 bucks.
I love being a postman.
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news
guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise
my friend came out to her parents first because she didn’t want to choose her new name and she “liked their work the first time”
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
[first day at CIA]
Do you have a weapon of mass destruction boy cuz I’d like to invade?
[last day at CIA & permanent resident on No Fly list]
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
i’d rather hurl myself into an active volcano
-me politely declining dates
I’ve watched so many docuseries about cults lately, I think I would be good at it, you know, as a member. Honestly, cults look like a blast at the beginning and middle just before all the crimes start.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.
Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.
they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.