My nephew once asked if I went to school back when things were still in black and white and my other nephew said to me “see, this is why i’m your favourite”
A doctor, a nurse and myself inspecting a patient
Doctor: The symptoms don’t make sense.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like this before
Me: I don’t even have a guess
Patient: Oh God what am I supposed to tell my family then?
Me: Tell them that women find you fascinating?
Dear Mom & Dad,
Remember that one night in my teens when I stood in the kitchen denying I was drunk, all while slurring, swaying & peeing on the floor? Well, I still resent the accusation.
Love,
The best daughter ever
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
I stand by it
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
