[caught in a vending machine] SOMEONE BUY E7
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
Tonight, Joe Biden’s press conference is make or break. Everyone will be tuned in. It’s all anyone will be paying attention to. So it’s the perfect moment.
I’m going to steal the Declaration of Independence.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.
“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”
I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
apple needs to start giving headphones for free again because if i have to hear that “oh no no no” tiktok audio out loud on the train again im gonna start tying people to the train tracks
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I