just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened
feel so stupid. none of them have the mustache. no way to tell which baby is hitler.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
Actively furious that the global Microsoft outage doesn’t seem to have affected my workplace.
Who could have predicted that allowing a a handful of billionaires to control the entire global communications system might turn out to be slightly problematic.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.