Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Me: 1yo’s little baby legs are so chonky and sweet. I want to eat them.
3yo: Mommy, NO. We do NOT EAT PEOPLE.
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.
But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.
why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like a little treat from your past self, sometimes you do your food shopping for the week and every meal feels like it was planned by a malevolent buffoon, hellbent on crushing your morale
Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.
Much easier and safer
Me before grocery shopping: healthy foods, no impulse buys, I can do this
Me during grocery shopping: they make chocolate filled marshmallows???
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo