I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
If it’s half price I consider the calories are half off too
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty
I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it