Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
ok aliens show up tomorrow and you have to choose one person and the aliens will watch that person’s entire life back (they have the technology don’t worry about it) before deciding whether to spare humanity or not. who are you picking
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
A “birthday card” from my 8 y/o…
Hallmark, you hiring?
sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day
GUYS.
For the past two years the ticket man at my station has baffled me. Some days we get on like a house on fire, chatting about life. Other days he won’t even return a hello…turns out to be a pair of identical twins who both work there.
TWO SEPERATE MEN.
TWO YEARS GUYS.
oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.
-my mirror
I was at the library, when people began throwing Stephen King novels around.
I could not figure out why. Then IT hit me.
also bring a xylophone to highlight the sound of your exaggerated tiptoes
If someone did a lot of murders but you don’t know who, have me go on a single date with every possible suspect and the person I like the most is 100% the killer.
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
Not to brag but I also decided not to run today.
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea