Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
It’s amazing how brazen foxes are these days. Just looking at this little one here, in broad daylight, not a care in the world, trotting across the apron, leaping up the stairs, firing up a 737, taxiing it out…wait
Waking up to America feels like when you accidentally skip a cut scene and have to figure out why the level is suddenly even more on fire.
There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work
the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high
I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me
Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
shout outs to the guy at work tonight playing pool with his friend who asked me to play “Everlong” by foo fighters so he could “power up”, followed by his friend very sweetly and very earnestly asking me not to play it because he would “power up”
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful