i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
monkey is a funny ass word and whoever named them that really killed it those things are monkeys for sure
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
