People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture
I watered a hanging plant on my porch and now have one very pissed off bird I had no idea was nesting there.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”