Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
I need to buy new window blinds, but I hate dealing with shady salespeople.
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
There’s a kid who we used to have round occasionally who is no longer welcome. Pathological liar and scheming little bully. Constantly involved in fights at school but none are ever his fault. He’s gonna end up in jail, hospital, Prime Minister or CEO of a big4 consulting firm
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is my trunk open?
Cop: no.
Me: then it’s definitely not for the body in my trunk
When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Email translations:
“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious