KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
told my gf that i’m “really into getting itchy lately” and that i am “low key in my itchy era” but it turns out i was having an allergic reaction
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.
Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.