New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Parents: back in the day, we didn’t go to therapy
Me: it shows
Remember to not aim fireworks at anyone unless it’s that person who keeps microwaving fish at the office
It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here
“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Hear me out:
Ice T, Ice Cube and Vanilla Ice form a supergroup and they call it “The Refreshments”
Someone came up to me today, holding a beer, and claimed to be the best ventriloquist in the world. But I think it was the drink talking.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
Your secret is safe with me and my sister.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
being too stressed isn’t good for the baby.
i’m not pregnant though, its just that i’m the baby
Doctor: I’m diagnosing you with onomatopoeia
Me: what’s that???
Doctor: exactly what it sounds like