The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
just put in my notice at work and my boss was like, “oh, so do you have another job lined up?” and i said, “no. i just don’t want to work here anymore.” and reader, when i tell you how loud the silence was after that….
I remember taking my daughter to the movies once and after the second guy in a black leather mask with a zipper mouth showed up I thought, “Hey, this can’t be Frozen.” Anyway, years later, we laugh and laugh about that mistake; her, me and her therapist.
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Good news: I set an all time high today!
Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
The Secret Service was chasing me but I painted a tunnel on the side of a wall and they all ran into it