You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
Me: Nothing like a grimey motel on a road trip. You can hit the shower first.
Friend: *later* First time I’ve taken a shower and came out dirtier than when I went in.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Poured the 4-year-old a cup of orange juice but she insisted on sticking a straw into an actual orange instead. She refuses to admit it doesn’t work. Every time I look at her she pretends to suck at the straw and gives a refreshed “aaahhh.”
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this