cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Guess I picked the wrong century to start a telephone booth repair service.
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”
trying to win an argument online is sociopathic. i would concede anything to get a stranger to leave me alone.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”