Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.
Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?
I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”