You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
be nice to me or i will put you in the soup
We went together like toothpaste and orange juice
Husband: can I have a taste?
Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it
When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?
NYPD commissioner: you perp walked that guy?
Goon: sure did boss, real fuckin sexy just like you asked
Commissioner: what
Fun Fact: Rudolph isn’t on the Epstein flight logs because he flew there himself.
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
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If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
*Discussing the school nativity play*
Me: Who’s Mary?
7: She’s Jesus’s mum.
Me: Yes, who’s playing her.
7: Dunno.
Me: Who’s Joseph?
7: He’s Mary’s husband.
Me:
Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?
3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.
Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree