I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol
I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.
being insane should at least burn calories
I must learn to listen to myself when I tell myself to shut up.
my love language is being sent money
customer: your lightest roast please
barista: that middle part you’re wearing makes you look like a founding father
Your honor, I refer you to the precedent setting landmark case of Smelt It vs Dealt It.
The Mission Impossible theme song plays as I try to have a balanced meal.
Them: Can you explain this gap in your resume?
Me: that was just a pause for dramatic effect.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I hate when people be tryna do shit outta sprite