Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate it when i pull out a winter coat and there’s no money or drugs stashed in it

murder is like cilantro. you either love it or it tastes like soap.

When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent

hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall

DON’T TELL ME MY DISHWASHING SPONGE IS “CONTAMINATED.” MY SWEET DEPARTED GRANDMA GAVE ME THAT SPONGE. YOU KEEP MY GRANDMA’S NAME OUTTA YOUR MOUTH

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

I bet the wise man who gave the gold had some regrets when he realized he could have just brought some incense

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

(flirting with the waitress) so how hot does the oven have to be to melt the tuna?

Me: We shouldn’t give in to the commercialism of Christmas. In fact, we should celebrate it this year without giving each other gifts.

Husband: You missed the window for something to arrive by Christmas Eve, didn’t you?

I’ve never actually seen mistletoe in real life. It is an outdated tradition, or do people just take it down when they know I’m visiting?

I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.