8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.
Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.
I asked my coworker what he got his wife for Christmas and he said “a vacuum” and I was like damn did u get her an exercise bike too and he had no idea what I was talking about
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
My dad is describing in great detail how he would kill the grinch while My mom is cooking breakfast for sixteen people.
Is there a sale on stupidity, cause that shit is everywhere.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.
This Christmas, get her the gift that’ll last a lifetime. Give her a tortoise.
Scrooge isn’t special, I too have been ghosted thrice in one night
Funny that the wise men brought probably the 3 worst presents for a newborn baby
Santa punched a hole in my wall because I left him soy milk
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…
Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle bills 🎶
Jingle as I pay 🎶
Some guy in the middle of my Nosferatu screening took out his phone and googled ‘Nosferatu’