it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup
My 4yo’s teacher: He’s one of my model students.
Me [aghast]: My child?
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I got one brain cell left & it moves around my head like a windows screensaver
This morning, I held the door open for a woman and her entire entourage, and she didn’t even acknowledge me. So when she came out of the restroom with a panty liner stuck to the back of her dress, I returned the favor and didn’t acknowledge her either.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
This guy is full of crap
-my colonoscopy doctor realizing that I didn’t do the pre-procedure cleanse
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.
Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.
So proud of my daughter for getting the lead role in The Tempest. Today’s performances will be during homework and bedtime.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
