grandparents are too precious for this world
was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili
Just microwaved some lasagna in an office full of carb-starved women, I feel like I’m in an axe body spray commercial
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
if you don’t like sports you are missing a whole world of easygoing conversations with complete strangers
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true
Rare image of an elk stepping on a Lego.
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email