I hate this language when a pastor has an affair.
“He fell”
Bro, what did he trip on? His own unbuckled pants?
A male goth is called a broth.
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
TWITTER IS NOT BACK IN BRAZIL YET
IT WAS A BUGQUICK I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME
THE KRABBY PATTY SECRET FORMULA IS-
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.