Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?

Genie: Stop saying it like that.

You have two wolves inside you.

Should have ordered an appetizer.

Kidnapper: your coming with me

Me: * you’re

Recently heard through the grapevine that my wife of twenty years boasted to her girlfriends on a tipsy night out that I was amazing in bed. She’s never said anything like that to me. I’m the proudest I’ve ever been, and I can’t tell anyone because I’m not supposed to know.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.