a friendship and a fart have a lot in common, both have the potential to turn into something bigger
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
hide the Elf on the Shelf while you’re drunk so it can be a searching game for both you & the kids the next morning
I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!
husband: *worrying*
me: I don’t think you should worry about that
husband: well what should I worry about instead then
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
telling myself i’m too self aware for therapy as i repeat a pattern of behavior i’ve been trying to break since age 14
Not all drugs are cool, but one is dope
2024 has been a rough few years