Got drunk and hugged the Domino’s delivery driver again …. There goes that New Years Resolution.
Door frame: *exists
My shoulder: MUST. RUN. INTO. IT.
My funeral
My Boss (sobbing)….. How could you do this today??
We’re so understaffed
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation
I just helped a 94 year old dude figure out how to use his card at the gas pump. First off my dawg we need to get you off the road
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
Excited to announce I’m launching my own coin off a skyscraper to see if it’s true it’ll kill someone
Asserting dominance by showing up to my doctor’s appointment already in my gown from home
I love the look on people’s faces as they stand freezing at the bus stop while I drive past them.
It’s partly why I became a bus driver.
YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated
It’s so cold that men who wear shorts outside in the winter are wearing TWO pairs of shorts
just told my kids it’s illegal to have the light on while we’re driving, I will not break this cycle
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
Everyone thinks they will be the first person in history to maintain their dignity while posting online.
My daughter keeps ending up with glitter all over her face and she doesn’t know where its coming from. I keep asking her if she’s turned into a vampire and she doesn’t understand and it’s giving me life 😂